Journal: My First Haircut After Chemotherapy 05.18.2018

From my journal on May 18, 2018 -- My first haircut post-treatment

Hair pre-diagnosis

I'm very attached to my hair, both metaphorically and quite literally ... I've always had the same style and texture so it became part of my personality and identity. Women, in general, have always been expected to have long hair, and so to cut it (or lose it) often comes as a shock to some. Historically, hair has been a factor in whether people are perceived as attractive and is a sign of youth and health. However, times are changing, but we admittedly still put a lot of our self-worth into our hair.

What I really haven't unpacked in a while is why that is.

Our hair is a very personal thing. For some, it is simply a form of self-expression and for others, it can represent their culture, heritage or other historical significance. [Un]fortunately for me, my hair decides what it wants to represent, and that is all things curly and difficult.

Since treatment ended in October, my hair started growing back in late February. I've been wearing my wig since I received it in the fall, but when my hair started regrowing in, my wig got very uncomfortable, very quickly.

My wig (Nov. 2017)

Bald (Sept. 2017)

I have what they call "chemo curls." Basically, regardless of what hair type, color and texture you had prior to chemotherapy, the hair grows back differently (super curly). This is because when you lose your hair, you also lose the hair follicle. When the hair follicle comes back, it decided to give me, and tons of other patients, super curly, coiled hair.

No more wig (Feb. 2018)

People have been complimenting my hair nonstop since I left my wig at home. They say it reminds them of Audrey Hepburn. Others say the shorter hair really opens up my face and showcases my eyes. Reminded of how it isn't as care-free and easy as people think it is, I thank them and move on with my day.

I often feel isolated on a college campus of beautiful, young women with long, shiny hair. But then I remember I was never one wanting to conform anyway. I often hid behind my long, straight hair like a security blanket and I never wore my hair the way hair was trending at any moment.

It is quite a shock now dealing with very short, extremely curly hair but whatever my hair decides to do, I am forever grateful to have grown it back. I can't wait to play and experiment with it at all of the stages it goes through.

Yesterday was my first haircut since my hair grew back and it had me feeling like a child --  both curious and scared. It was quite the contradicting moment for myself as I had worked so hard to grow my hair to what it is now (a curly mess). Yet, I know if I want it to grow, I have to get regular trims. I had been looking at pixie styles and different cuts for short hair on Pinterest for the past three months but everything I fell in love with was for straight hair.

Pre-Cut (May 2018)

Pre-cut (May 2018)

I thought I would go into my appointment blind, open to any suggestions that professionals had but it all worked out perfectly as I walked out of the salon without a style.

Let me rewind.

I had been searching for a hairdresser ever since I had tangible hair in February. I had also been looking for someone with experience with very short curly hair, specifically chemo curls, but I had also been searching for a time in my schedule to get this thing done.

So here I was mid-May, walking into the salon where my mom newly goes and boy, was it a stunning place. It looks like a house from the outside, but the inside is so chic and edgy.

I met my stylist and she was so kind. She had energy beaming from her and I could really tell she cared about her clients' needs. I got to know her well before we headed back to the shampoo bowl. I was hesitant for this appointment because the "designer women's haircut" was triple the price I was used to and included a wash, cut and style -- which I didn't need half of.

But my goodness, the massage and shampoo was the best thing to happen to me in a while. Better than all shampoos I'd had in the past -- combined. Her products smelled lovely and she took her time. I remembered at this moment why women came to the salon so often, setting aside that they could actually afford it. But I felt like a member of society again.

I didn't want to get up from the shampoo station, but after she was done, we walked back to her chair and this is when the magic happened. Well, nothing special came out of it, but it felt magical. This was the first time I only felt excitement towards this event and I was happy to have healthy hair once she was done.

She didn't cut much off, mostly my thin ends, but made it more symmetrical and in great shape for it to grow out correctly.

It was a quick appointment, even though she did such a great job taking her time to make sure every strand was even and trimmed. She mentioned that cutting short hair was more detailed work than long hair as you can see any misplaced hair or longer strand.

Long, short, straight, wavy or curly, haircuts always feel refreshing once they're done and I couldn't describe that feeling any other way. It felt good to have this checked off my to-do list and to have found someone I trust with my hair.

It was at this appointment that I learned to accept my hair for what it is. I stopped worrying about the length of my hair but the health instead.

Post-cut (May 2018)

I ended the night showing off my new do at the Braves game for a date night with Chris. We're not Braves fans but we are huge baseball fans so the night was nice. The Marlins ended up shutting out the Braves and we had a great time out together.

I didn't feel the difference in my hair until I woke up this morning and felt the difference in washing my hair in the shower. I still use baby shampoo, like when I was bald, but once it grows out more, I plan on using natural products made to enhance healthy curls. No toxic chemicals for me! I'll admit, it definitely feels healthier, even with only the half inch she cut off. Hopefully, my curls will behave better now that the ends aren't thin.

I look forward to seeing how quick it'll grow as well as seeing if it will eventually straighten out to its pre-chemo texture.

--

Love your hair a little more today!

Take care,

Abi