All Things Ab: Going Bald and Back #30DaysOfTeal -- All Things Ab

March 2017

A Love Story (ft. Chemotherapy)

We're officially one week down in the 30 Days of Teal series! And today marks the sweet spot when I lost my hair due to chemotherapy two years ago: the weekend before my birthday.

It was a sunny Saturday, much like today, as I sat on the couch watching Family Feud with whoever was home. I was only one round of chemotherapy in, but already feeling the effects of the chemo -- nausea, fatigue, low energy, loss of appetite.

My scalp was sore the entire week leading up this certain weekend, and I didn't know why. My oncologist told me I would be able to keep my hair with this specific cocktail of chemotherapy drugs. But my hair was matted from not doing anything to it other than wash it, and I lived in baseball caps as I went to each appointment every day.

After a shower the night before, I had no energy to brush my hair, but I knew I should try since it was so neglected at that point. I wrote about this part of the story before (see links below), but in a nutshell: my mom brushed my hair for me and the majority ended up off my head.

My then-boyfriend-now-fiance ended up shaving my head for me on this sunny Saturday, and I specifically remember the new feeling of actual sunlight on my freshly bald head.

What I didn't predict was how that would feel moving forward. (Spoiler alert: not the best.) Without my hair, I constantly flinched at the sight of my own reflection, and I felt I fit the cancer narrative a little too well.

When you're bald, people say all sorts of words to you to make you feel better, or at least to make themselves feel better about not being able to make you feel better. "You look pretty," people would say. (I flinched at that still.) A few people used the word "fierce." I knew the truth -- chemo hadn't affected my eyesight -- but how could I possibly blame them?

I was no model before cancer, but I knew the thrill of a great hair day. I remembered what it felt like to walk outside feeling great, which is why the opposite -- seeing people's blatant stares, or, worse, their pitying looks -- was so hard for me to endure. Forget blending in: I had cancer wherever I went.

It wasn't just the hair on my head. I lost my eyebrows, my eyelashes, my arm and leg hair, most of my body weight and even an organ or two. I barely felt like a woman -- like a human. And since my hair was the most obvious loss, I became obsessed with it. I would check my scalp each day for stubble.

Nothing compared to my own hair, though. I wore hats and a very expensive wig with the help of loved ones' donations. But it was itchy and hot and tight and not my hair. It's not that I didn't want to experiment with my appearance; I just wanted my life and my beauty routine to go back to how it had been.

You'd think there would be advantages to baldness. It's true, without hair to style, I could get ready in five minutes flat (if I wasn't taking the eternity to draw on my eyebrows). But it's even truer that our hair is quite literally a figuratively an extension of ourselves. There's such a quiet and personal ritual that comes with caring for our own hair.

I get that lacking some of the hallmark queues of femininity didn't actually make me less of a woman, but it sure as hell made me feel that way in the moment. So now, two years later, when I am finally able to look in the mirror at the bob I've grown, I have chills about it.

My hair can do no wrong now; I'll complain here and there, but I'm happy to have it. I usually let it airdry so it gets curly and a lil puffy. You cannot miss it. That's the point.

My hair is healthy and getting strong, which in turn, makes me feel healthy and strong (being in remission also helps). I'm proud and relieved that it is back, and I love it down to the annoying frizz. That's why at any point in time, you can find me fiddling around with it, making sure that, yes, it's still there.

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- Fair warning: the following photos in this timeline of hair growth are not in the best layout. Boy, I can't wait for that new website! -

Before Chemo: